Be Clever or I Sever!

Ode to Mabel

2009-10-28T23:46:00.002-04:00

I made a promise to write this for a very dear friend of mine, Mabel. I have been drunk too often to do so, thus I figured I will slowly update this as the season goes along.

Once I figure out how to post videos, there will be one in this position here. But for now...

Things I love about Mabel:

Smart, Funny and Violent
Handles a Brick Extremely Erotically
She Isn't Mike Riberio
To Be Expanded When I'm Not So Drunk

Oh Captain! My Captain!

2009-09-30T16:43:00.003-04:00

I'll be the first person in the world to admit two things:

In my youth, I massively undervalued Mats Sundin and when asked for my favourite hockey player it was always someone else.
I fucking hated him for going to play for the Vancouver Canucks and wanted them to be swept out of the playoffs.

Looking back at this two things made me realize this:

I was a dumb kid. Mats should have always been my favourite. I just liked shiny new things so I usually went with a rookie from that year's team or a young guy.
I was crushed when Mats Sundin lost in the 2009 NHL Playoffs. Good riddance for the Vancouver Cancuks going out, but the thought of it being Mats' last hockey game crushed me. This was one of the only two moments I was brought to tears by a hockey game. The other was when Mats returned to Toronto for the first time.

Being born in 1988 means that Mats Sundin was the first Maple Leaf captain that I really truly remembering following and cheering for. I remember living and dying with Mats Sundin and those psychotic Leaf teams from 1999-2004. I remember being crushed with Mats Sundin by not making the playoffs every year 2006 to 2008. I remember being drunk off my ass when Mats Sundin scored his 500th goal against the Calgary Flames, spilling Jack Daniels all over my friend's keyboard in celebration and then successfully blaming it on a Flames fan.

And most of all I will always remember to never forget Mats Sundin. The greatest Toronto Maple Leaf of all-time.

.704

2009-09-27T23:16:00.002-04:00

Hey, folks....miss me? Sorry, I haven't been around much I've been doing known as rampant alcoholism lately. Wait, I messed that up. Today, I present to you all a number:

.704

Or Vesa Toskala's save percentage tonight against the Buffalo Sabres. And it wasn't like anything was that hard to stop. Look, up until tonight I've always thought that Vesa would come around and put up a good performance during the regular season. Tonight, that was crushed. It actually pained me to watch the team be hung out to dry by shitty goaltending. We haven't made the playoffs in 4 seasons (lockout assholes/Habs marketing will say 5 years), we can't afford to have our confidence crushed like that. We need solid goaltending. I'm still worried about throwing the Monster to the wolves after only 60 minutes of pre-season hockey, but it might have to be done.

The Toronto Maple Leafs cannot afford to have Vesa allow 6 goals against the Habs on October 1st. Viktor Stalberg is only capable of scoring 5.

I don't want to see another season flushed down the drain because of shitty, shitty goaltending. I want PLAYOFFS1!!! and I want other team's souls to be crushed. Not ours. So please Vesa either get your shit together or GET THE FUCK OUT.

Dear Montreal and Ottawa

2009-09-03T11:40:00.005-04:00

I was debating posting a nice little rant today counter-pointing a post at some ass-hat Ottawa fans blog but Chemmy at PPP is doing a NNN later and he does a better job than I could ever do.

But I will say this:

WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU! STOP OBSESSING ABOUT US OR LUKE SCHENN WILL SHOW UP AT YOUR DOOR AND REMOVE YOUR SOULS. AND HE WON'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO GIVE YOU A LAST KISS LIKE A DEMENTOR. HE WILL RIP OFF YOUR HEAD, PULL YOUR SOUL OUT THROUGH YOUR NECK, POP YOUR HEAD BACK ON AND KICK YOU DOWN THE STAIRS LEONDIAS STYLE YOU DUMB TOOLS.

Seriously, you're own teams have their own problems. In Ottawa, nobody wants to be there. Hell, the free agent you signed this year has already said he wants to retire elsewhere. In Montreal, you're expecting the hobbits to lead your to Mount Mordor. Unfortunately for you, you didn't sign Samwise of Frodo. So go fuck yourselves.

And thanks for giving me something to write, since I didn't have any ideas.

From The Terrace: The Tourist

2009-08-28T18:35:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, something is just too easy and with the news that Jason Allison has been granted a tryout by the Toronto Maple Leafs, it became almost too easy to write this. I mean what else can you say about a man whose beard grows ten times faster than he moves. I really could have written out the whole song but I'm pulling a Wellwood on my couch right now:

You ask me how the hell I'm going to score
At one inch per second
Hey man, speed up, speed up
Idiot, speed up, speed up

Hey man, speed up, speed up
Idiot, speed up, speed up

Dr. Changing My Mind: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Komikazi

2009-08-27T23:20:00.009-04:00

Being a sports fan is an absolutely hilarious adventure. You can go from lows (John Ferguson Jr. is named your new GM) to incredible highs (random Abu Dhabians decide they want to make your football team their new play toy), and through all of this you learn to absolutely love and hate different players. Want to know who has two thumbs and was absolutely despised by me? This guy:

Michael Komisarek, quite possible the biggest joke in All-Star game history. Quite possibly one of the dirtiest players to play the game which made him an absolute scumbag. Seriously, he is so over-rated by Habs fans that it makes me want to go out back and vomit. I'd rather make out with Perez Hilton then begin to consider Komisarek a good defensemen. All this hype surrounds him about being one of the premier shutdown guys in the league. It makes no sense: he has absolutely no first pass and he is constantly in a rush whenever he gets the puck. If he ever makes more than 2.5 million a year than that GM has to be drunk...or Glenn Sather. I know personally, I would rather have that strapping young lad Luke Schenn playing defense for me. Not only is Luke a awesome defensemen but he is ten times more handsome than that ugly putz Komisarek.

And you wanna know who will look awesome next to Luke patrolling the blueline next year? Mike Komikazi!!!1 Not only is Komikazi one of the best defensive defensemen in the game today, but he is also strikingly handsome and next to OLAS any forward crossing the Maple Leafs blueline will end up one of two things:

Dead
Pregnant

Has there ever been a pair of defensemen in NHL history that can put that type of fear into the opposing team's forwards? I don't think so. Komikazi is brilliant and at the bargain price of 4.5 million dollars a year, how could you not want him? Let's be real, while there may not be an All-Star game this year due to the Olympics, it's easy to assume that OLAS and Komikazi would be starting that game.

In conclusion, I am really glad that the Leafs picked up Mike Komikazi!!!1 instead of that ass hate Michael Komisarek this off season. Komikazi will provide us with solid defensive leadership...what's that you say? They're the same person and I changed my mind half way through writing a post? Well, if Damien Cox can do it than so can I. Fuck You!!!

...I'm sorry baby, I hate it when we fight. I love you.
xoxo

I Hate You August

2009-08-24T18:30:00.006-04:00

Oh, August. Why do you do this to me? Has anything ever good happened to me in your month? Have you ever given me anything good to write about? Well the answer is no because you are useless and I hate you and I want you to burn in a Dany Heatley induced accident (three guesses if you can guess what it is).

So what to do? What to do? What to do? I mean, you've taken away all the PPPers from the CC for a shitty baseball game and all I've been doing lately is watching a lot of Mad Men and dreaming about hockey. Ahh, I got it. Time for the ultimate question, who would I rather sleep with:

Joan Holloway vs. OLAS is a question that would drive any straight man into a fit as they would be unable to wrap their heads around the question of if you could sleep with just one of them which would you choose? You got the curvy red head or the dreamy defensive stalwart that can make you pregnant with just one glare. Could you imagine a child between this two? Wouldn't it cause every person the planet to bow down and worship them as the God that they would be. Especially, if it was a lady. I'm sorry but thinking about a girl with Joan's hair and OLAS's eyes would just completely demolish souls. Those souls would be absolutely crushed. Those souls would be sucked out like it ran into a dashing curvy red headed, dreamy eyed Dementor.

But I don't really want to get off topic here as I supposed to be talking about which one of the two I want to bed. Well, upon recently examination I have discovered I am a man and thus I am forced to pick Joan. Now, naturally Luke would probably still be able to talk me into his bed (no matter what EL says, dude has to be smooth, and let's be serious, she was probably still thinking of "my ex" when he was talking to her). So yes, I am a sucker for a good red head and I am a sucker for a good woman with curves, so if I had the option, I would take Joan.

That doesn't mean Luke shouldn't try.

From The Terrace: Oh! Darling

2009-08-19T22:15:00.002-04:00

Today, I had a dream...and that dream was about what would an emo pineapple say if they could sing a song:

Oh! Grabbo, please believe me
I want you to stab that knife right through me
Oh! Grabbo, if you stab me, I won't ever leave you alone
Believe me when I beg you, please stab me alone

When you told me you didn't want to stab me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't want to stab me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried

Oh! Grabbo, if you stab me, I won't ever leave you alone
Believe me when I beg you, please stab me alone
Oh! Grabbo, please believe me
I'll always let you stab me alone
Believe me when I say you'll love to cause me harm

When you told me you didn't want to stab me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't want to stab me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried

Oh! Grabbo, please believe me
I'll always let you stab me alone
Believe me when I say you'll love to cause me harm

They Don't Come Much More Slick Than You

2009-08-14T18:30:00.007-04:00

When the Toronto Maple Leafs selected Nazem Kadri 7th overall in the entry draft this year two things happened:

Brian Burke laid down the biggest backhand in the history of mankind on Brian Murray. Rumors suggest it may have fixed the lisp. This has not been confirmed unfortunately.
Leaf Nation flat out lost it's shit. Like it was Chicken Little times a million. Heads exploded and many posters on hfboards were found dangling from their ceiling fan by their moms.

In my mind neither of those two things are particularly bad. I wasn't exactly happy with the Kadri pick until I started to watch some video of him and I began to like him a lot. He seems like one slick little bastard which is good news for everybody who is all doom and gloom about the Leafs offensive prospects. The fact that Brian Burke was able to swoop in and completely piss off Ottawa is something that can make us all sit on our thrones and laugh at the plebs. Burke was able to get the man he wanted....Brayden Schenn you say? Well, see that nice man with the chainsaw over there? He wants you to go and talk to him. Anyway, Brian Burke was able to get the man he wanted and at the same time caused every Leaf fan with the ability to make posts on the internet frosh at the mouth with burning rage.

See for some reason unknown to me, everybody and their mother wanted to Leafs to pick Schenn2.0 at 7, which lets face it, he was never going to be around then (I am in complete denial that I wanted The Pocket Eraser more than anything else), or some Swedish kid named MSP or MPS or fuck it. The kid took over a year to finally decide on the proper order of his name. And when you think about indecisive Swedes we're batting .333. Mats left us for that city on the west coast that nobody cares about, and Brunnstrom went to the hockey hotbed of Dallas, Texas, but we did get The Monster. And amen to that.

I'm a little nervous about picking up Swedish prospects because of the threat of the KHL. I know it's the Russians everybody is worried about bolting there but let's think about the Swedes for a second. They have proven that they like to yank you along for a while and make you put everything you have into trying to woo them. Then they'll run off somewhere else. So, how are we to know that if we proved to be completely awesome to MPS that he wouldn't just bail on us and run away to the KHL? And let's face it...Edmonton isn't the prettiest girl at the ball so the option for him to bail is definitely there.

And isn't it funny that two weeks later, everything seems to have calmed down and everybody is all like, "oh man I know that Kadri guy was so hot when I first saw him and I totally wanted Burke to pick him"? Yeah, stuff like that just infuriates me and makes me want to put heads in deep fryers. At least have the balls to admit that you didn't want him in the first place like I have, then go and bask in the complete and utter amount of awesomeness that he will bring to our team. He'll be pulling slick moves day and night for years to come.

From The Terrace: Hallelujah

2009-08-14T12:11:00.005-04:00

One thing that I have always admired about the football fans (or soccer fans for morons) is that they are able to twist and turn any song into a ballad about their favourite player or team or how much Manchester United is full of douches. Every now and then a song pops into my head and I randomly replace words with odes to Maple Leafs. Yesterday at PPP, when I was told to do this blog the brick throwing lady told me to wrote an ode to OLAS. Well, I'm not original enough to come up with a brand new song so here is the first edition of what will hopefully be a long drunken series:

I heard there was a secret board
That OLAS put Gomez through and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for truculence do ya?
It goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled Habs composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw OLAS bathing on the roof
His beauty and his left hook overthrow ya
He tied you to the kitchen chair
He broke your face and ran his hands through his hair
And from your lips he drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
...you don't even know the name!!!???
Oh shit! Wendel is coming to punch out your blood!

The Lunatic Ramblings of a Raving Mind (Go Leafs Go!)

2009-08-13T21:12:00.001-04:00

There is an old saying, or I will assume there is an old saying, that says: “tell a man to do something enough and he’ll eventually do it”. Well with me it’s tell me to do something once and I’ll do it because I lack a spine: so I was told to do a Leafs blog. Now it’ll probably be updated less often than Roberto Luongo washes his hair, but it’s the thought that counts. I’ll use stats when I feel the need to use them, which will be basically never (hey, I could be in the media! Finally I know what to do with my life!), and I’ll probably offend someone somewhere along the line. And if you don’t like it then you know how to navigate away from the page...unless you’re a Flyers fan. If you are a Flyers fan press the little red X on the top of your internet browser and throw your computer out the window si vous plait. Now for something completely different:

This man is awesome and the vast majority of people seem to want this man to be traded. Those people are fucking morons and should be taken out back and shot like Old Yeller. One of the old arguments that I hear is that "if we trade Kaberle we can get some young talent and draft picks that will turn into homegrown talent!!!" Well kiddies, let's take a look at Tomas Kaberle's wikipedia. Hmmm....let's see: 4 time all-star, 738 career games, 433 points, Bronze Olympic medal and a Gold at the World Championships. Drafted 204th overall in 1996 by the Toronto Maple Leafs.

...huh, the Toronto Maple Leafs!!!??? But I thought we were trading Kaberle to get some of our own home-grown talent. Well, it turns out Tomas Kaberle is a homegrown talent and HE MAKES LESS MONEY THEN HE SHOULD MAKE WHICH IS KEY IN THE SALARY CAP ERA AND HE IS ONLY 31 YEARS OLD SO WHY IN THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO TRADE HIM SO BADLY??? Sigh...this is where being a Leaf fan can make me want to start throwing shoes at people. Trading Kaberle would be beyond stupid and luckily on Saturday will no longer be an option. He's been a bright spot of ours for a few years now so let's all pull our heads out of our asses and appreciate his awesomeness. And really, we're the Leafs...any first round pick we get for him would be a bust.

Toodles. xoxoxoxo